What Is That Mysterious Thumping Noise?

A couple mornings ago I was alone in the house, lying on the futon in my dwelling space (I don't really have a room right now) reading a book ("Black House" if you really want to know, which I found at a used book store a few weeks earlier for fifty cents). In the room directly upstairs I heard a

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

I wonder what that could be? I asked myself, but was in no mood to investigate because I just had to find out what happened next in the book I was reading. So I stayed where I was. About five minutes later I heard

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

I didn't move and kept on reading, curious about what the thumping was, but not enough to go see. I was really into this book.

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

The same thumping sound kept on going for about an hour, but I was too engrossed in my book. Did I mention that this book is a supernatural thriller, and I was at a particularly scary part? The manly side of me wants to say that I was able to disconnect the scary story I was reading from the thumping I was hearing upstairs in a house I knew was empty. But the manly side of me is a chump. I was starting to get nervous.

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

. . .

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

The sound kept coming in about five minute intervals. What was that mysterious thumping noise? At last I got up, went upstairs and looked around. Nothing was out of place. Just as I thought, I was alone. I slowly walked to the glass door at the end of the kitchen and looked outside. My nose was only an inch away from the glass. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

Just then a robin dashed and swooped down from above and hammered its little head into the glass in front of my face. Right at eye level.

thumpthumpbumpbumpthump!

I jumped back, more startled than I ever have been before in my life. I must have also scared the poor little robin, too, because afterwards he never came back to make the thumping noise. So far this is my life's closesed experience to this infamous poem:



Good thing this bird didn't talk to me. And my voice doesn't sound like Christopher Walken's.

Jane Austen Dream Team

My mother recently saw a two disc DVD set of the new BBC versions of "Sense and Sensibility" and "Persuasion" in Costco for $32.99. "Mother's Day gift," she told me.

Now I know what to get her for Mother's Day! My mom is making quite a collection of movies based on Jane Austen books. She already has a version of "Sense & Sensibility" and "Persuasion" as well as two versions of "Emma" and three versions of "Pride and Prejudice." Because of my mom and my sister, I am as well versed in Jane Austen as I am. But those new versions of S&S and P, and thinking about those three versions of P&P, got me wondering how many versions of P&P are there anyway? As it turns out there are nine versions (according to the internet movie database) and I contemplated about them. Is there a version with Laurence Olivier as Mr. Darcy, since the man has played every other literary icon during his career? As it turns out there is. But are there other versions that we just don't know about? Who would have been in it?

I gave this more thought over the course of a couple of hours than I should have, and came up with my very own dream cast for an unknown version of "Pride and Prejudice" that would have been made around 1940. Here it is:

Katharine Hepburn as Elizabeth Bennet
John Wayne as Mr. Darcy−

"Wait, wait, wait a second, Evan!" I can hear my readers saying. "I can sort of see why you would think of Katharine Hepburn as Elizabeth (although she wouldn't have been my choice) but seriously, Evan, John Wayne as Mr Darcy?!" Hold on, let me finish.

Orson Welles as Mr. Bennet
Cary Grant as Mr. Bingley
Jimmy Stewart as Mr Wickham
Ingrid Bergman, Rita Hayworth or Ava Gardner as Jane Bennet, take your pick and
Peter Lorre as Mr. Collins

Ok, now I bet most of you still have trouble seeing John Wayne as Mr. Darcy playing opposite Katharine Hepburn as Elizabeth. So to help you visualize such a pairing better, I drew a picture:


Can't you see? It's perfect. John Wayne has played the Mr. Darcy archetype at least a dozed times. Of course he was usually shooting guns while in the role, but he wouldn't have to in this movie. In the opening scene at the ball, John Wayne would be throwing up his tough guy persona. We'd get an exchange between Cary Grant (always the charmer) as Bingley and Wayne/Darcy that would go something like this, I can hear their voices:

Grant/Bingley: Look at them, they're all beautiful girls, Darcy. Look at Elizabeth.

Wayne/Darcy: Awww, they're not all that pretty, especially that Elizabeth.

Grant/Bingley: Now see here, Darcy, we should dance with these girls.

Wayne/Darcy: Naw, dancing is all silly.

Of course Katharine/Elizabeth would hear this and think that that Darcy's a turd (but she wouldn't use the word turd because she'd be played by Katharine Hepburn). But he really does like her despite his tough guy facade. Then Elizabeth would get creeped out by Mr. Collins, played by Peter Lorre. Who doesn't get creeped out by Peter Lorre? Then she'd fall for Mr. Wickham. Jimmy Stewart would have made a great Mr. Wickham. He sounds so sincere whenever he says anything, but in an ironic twist it turns out that Mr. Wickham is really the low life who runs off and marries Elizabeth's sister Lydia (who could play Lydia? Lina Lamont from "Singin' in the Rain" will do). Who could have guessed it? Throughout all this Wayne/Darcy tries to get over his tough guy oafishness and express his feelings for Katharine/Elizabeth, meanwhile Katharine/Elizabeth finds out Wayne/Darcy is actually an ok guy who's tough, yet selfless, loyal and takes care of the little lady. They make some banter, Wayne/Darcy won't keep up at all with Katherine/Elizabeth's sharp wit, but he tries, and then they get married. All the while Orson Welles observes Katharine/Elizabeth's romantic misadventures from his view as monarch of the Bennet family. He would make millions off the marriage of Katharine/Elizabeth to Wayne/Darcy and retire to a reclusive mansion known as Xanadu. It would be perfect.

*Before I take off, apologies to all my friends and relatives who may never forgive me for having some fun with their favorite book.

Crazy Laser

It is the other night after work, at about 11:30, I am sitting alone on a waist-high concrete wall waiting for the bus. A guy (male, Caucasian, early twenties) comes from out of the darkness and walks up to me. He says:

"Hey, do you want to see a crazy ass laser?"

"Sure," I say, not knowing how else to respond.

He pulls out a laser pointer and points it at the top of a building across a courtyard and across the street. I can see the green laser dance about on the side of the building where he's pointing it. It's gotta be at least five hundred feet away. Even at that distance the laser is still bright. He points the laser at another building that rises above the building across the street. This building's gotta be eight hundred, nine hundred, maybe even a thousand feet away? I can see the laser beam just as bright shining on that building.

Then I have a flash of understanding about what this guy is about to do. He's going to shine this high powered laser in my eyes. And while I'm blinded he's going to rob me. He will leave me stranded and helpless in the street. I' ll call the police, but because I'll be blinded I wont be able to pick him out of the line up of the usual suspects.

But he just says: "crazy, huh?" And walks off into the darkness.